The Dynamics of Love and Control in Relationships

There is something of a paradox in love. The nuances are the deal. Love is almost impossible, but also incredibly easy.

For some, in some situations, love is not desire nor do we have its agency. Love is not that easy. In situations like these we feel controlled or act out of the need to be in control. Relationship in this way is about taking and demanding and not giving or letting go. No matter what we try to do, the person we want to love will not receive that love. Anything we give does not seem to be enough or even the right thing to do; it is not perceived as loving.

They perceive us as controllers and we perceive them as controllers, and the two will never meet.

However, love in a different situation is pure delight. No effort is required, and no effort is expended. It is a downstream flow. One will give to another, even when the other is returning love. Love, as it can only do, gives and gives and gives. And the nature of love in the other person feels that love; they reciprocate in kind.

Love doesn’t feel like control.

And yet sometimes there is an attempt to love that feels like control. Someone may gently speak the truth to our life, but because that truth causes pain, because the soul is exposed to an inconvenient or uncomfortable truth, that love feels like a control. It doesn’t seem like we’re getting anything; if anything, our security is being taken away. There is a lack of trust that undermines this love. (Or the wisdom of protection, where ‘love’ is determined to be control, where the person is considered insecure).

Trust is the basis for being able to receive love.

The confidence of wisdom is this: ‘The wisdom of this trusted person is loving and well motivated.’

Love strives to tell the truth and understands that the relationship triumphs over the truth. And yet if we take that too far, the relationship becomes untenable. Limits are not respected and broken, and codependencies are formed. And control, demanding and submitting to it, characterizes the relationship.

Control is clearly an indicator that love has turned into a runaway train off the cliff into the abyss of hell.

At some point it has ceased to be love. And control is the deception of the person who cannot see her actions as implicitly an attack or a retreat. The person who feels controlled can only ask, ‘Am I being controlling? Are others responding to me as if they feel controlled? ‘ It is the only way that love can re-enter the relationship, because love is initially and always introspective; ask, ‘what can I do to give or add?’ And not ‘what can I take or demand?’

If we feel controlled, what does love do in us to respond?

How do we resist being controlled in a loving way? In a sense, it requires us to take control, assertiveness if you will, and initially what we have to do is stop responding; stop reacting because onlyfans free trialĀ 
we feel like we are being controlled. Easier said than done, because even when they stop responding, the other person probably feels controlled, because now they feel ignored. But when we respond, we can be nice and courteous.

We all have the ability to love, but only when faced with love, most commonly God’s love for us, do we turn to this ability to love.

If we do not behave in a loving way, that is, we are not perceived as acting in a loving way, we must stop and ask ourselves why; work with the other person’s truth.